The state of Britain’s supermarket trade, and the entire business world for that matter, is quite dire today. Trans-national corporations swallowing up the little minnows like hungry sharks and devouring everything in their sights to try and completely take over everything – all in the name of profit. It’s difficult for the little guy to get a foothold these days. Which makes it even more disgraceful that they appear to be cloning and breeding their own employees rather than opening up these much needed jobs to less fortunate members of society.

Oh on the face of it, yes, it looks as though all of the major players are doing their bit providing employment to those at the bottom of the social scale (not just financially, but physically, intelligently and hygienically too). All of their soundbites and blurb will tell you how much they are helping the community, employing waifs, strays and weirdos as ‘valuable’ trolley collectors.

But I believe its all a sham and there are much more sinister workings afoot. Conspiracy theories are rife these days, as we become increasingly more paranoid, but theres no smoke without fire.

In my home town, there are at least 4 different large supermarkets. Every time I visit one of them I get that eerie feeling of deja-vu. Like a glitch in the Matrix. Walking towards the doors, seeing what can loosely be described as a man, or at least vaguely humanoid, maneuvouring snaking lines of trolleys. As my brain begins to tingle, it starts to feverishly try and place the face in front of me. The acned cheeks and nose, overly large bottle-lensed glasses, lank greasy black hair. Sometimes to throw me off the scent, they might put on a shuffling walk, or dribble. Or shave their head and grow a wart and brush-on moustache. Or mutter to themself, eyes focussing on an imaginary figure to their side. Ive seen him before, I know I have.

But where? Then I remember. It was at the last supermarket. And the one before. And the one before that one. Initially thinking this ‘person’ has moved jobs frequently, the penny drops. Its not the same one – they all look like this.

A whole community of them. Multiplying and spreading, inhabiting every major supermarkets car-parks. Bred and cloned by a secret society of these corporations. How else do you think they can afford to sell their low frills, costcutter, basics or smart price brands? With the European Union forever tightening the rules on cheap foreign labour and imports, the evil conspirators need to find more devious ways to protect their monopoly. So rather than cutting into their profits by paying wages, they have created secret cloning farms throughout the UK to breed their own trolley collectors. Why else do you think they all look the same? Because they are – like some backward inbred family, they have been ‘given birth’ to purely to serve this purpose.

Have you seen all of those lorries frequently traversing down the motorways? You thought they contained food supplied didn’t you? No! They are shipping in the retards from the breeding farms. All of those fields you thought were farms or government ‘GM Crop plantations? Well, theres definitely genetic modification going on, but not on crops. Actually I don’t think Ill use the word ‘modification’, more like ‘mong-ification’.

You see, the clues are all around you people – just open your eyes. The lifeless look behind the eyes? The dribbling, pointing and incoherent responses to asking for help? If you dared get close enough, let alone touch one of them, you would find the scar where they were snapped off their breeding pods.

Those red lines that urge you: ‘Do Not Take Your Trolley Beyond This Point’ – a paper-thin charade. Those lines are there to stop the herd escaping, to protect the flock.

So next time you see a lone trolley nestling at the side of the High Street, or perching on a verge of grass, you know whats happened. One of them has evolved, they’ve learnt human emotions, caught a smell of the brave new world beyond the fringes of the car-park and escaped to seek a new life in the sprawling inner cities and suburbs.

Which begs yet another conspiracy theory – the rise of the chav…..coincidental? I think not…