A typical day of various retail establishments trying to increase their sales, and annoying me in the process -

Early morning, at the train station, some ungodly hour (barely) sometime after dawn:

‘Good morning, Sir, how can I help you?’
‘Good morning. Just the newspaper please.’
‘Thank you. Any drink or pastries with that, Sir?’
‘Um, no thank you.’

Half an hour later, in a bakery:

‘Can I help?’
‘Yes please, can I have a sausage and bean melt please?’
‘Just the one Sir?’
-Clenched teeth- ‘Yes thank you’.

Lunch time, being lazy and unhealthy, in a ‘fast’ food chain:

‘Whos next please?’
‘Yes, can I have a cheeseburger please?’
‘Is that a meal?’
‘No, just the burger’
‘Any fries with that?’
- A million less polite phrases that come to mind -

...What I actually want to say is:

‘Oh my, thank you so much, Id completely forgotten that I wanted something else other than what I asked for. You are so kind, me and my forgetfulness. Silly me, not being able to think of more than one item at a time, and to think I nearly walked out of here without asking. Oh, how Id have laughed. Egg on my face, or what!

For the umpteenth time today, No I don’t want anything else with that you no-hoper cretin. Do you remember my request from, ooh, 30 seconds ago? Yes, the one where I asked for A CHEESEBURGER? Pretty much a self contained sentence wasn’t it? There was no ‘AND’ hanging in the air afterwards was there? Or did you think I was pausing for dramatic effect, ready to utter some extra dialogue, in the manner of some bad ham acting? No……….

…….. I wasn’t. Just a cheeseburger please. If I wanted a meal, the question would have been ‘Can I have a cheeseburger meal please?’ If I wanted fries, I would have said ‘a cheeseburger and fries please’. Is it my face? Do I look slightly retarded? Well, thank you for being so considerate and trying to help me out, but it’s not necessary, really it isnt. Oh, Ive got it – you thought we were playing charades? Now, shall we start again?’

What I actually say is, ‘No’.

I’m tempted to start handing pieces of paper over with my exact requests written on, followed by ‘The End’. But I’m afraid they might not be able to read it…