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Aural Sex (Or, Ive been listening to...)

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Archives for: April 2006

Just call me Carlos The Jackal

by chrisglos @ Friday, 28. Apr, 2006 - 12:08:35

Just call me Carlos The Jackal

Over the years Ive been 'accused' of looking like many people.

I say accused, because sometimes I either take it as a personal affront, or I just have not seen the (alleged) likeness. Some however, have massaged my ego greatly!!!

The likenesses may not come across on here to those that have never seen me in the flesh. Mainly because of the limited pictures of me on here, and my David Bowie like changes over the years - from wobbbly child with big glasses and wavy hair, to skinny child with stupid grin, to tubby teenager, to tubby bearded 'old' man (in my early twenties), to the svelte good looking young man I am today. ahem.

So here are some of the choicest comparisons - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

The Ugly

White_Chunk
Chunk from the Goonies

134
Young pre-handsome and spotty George Micheal

The Bad

home
Jeremy Spake from BBCs Airport

bare4
Bloke from Barenaked Ladies

The Good

norton0629_big
Graham Norton

martin_freeman
Martin Freeman

Pegg
Simon Pegg (Coincidentally also hails from Gloucester)

DannyWallace-bookcover-joinme
Danny Wallace

The VERY Good

cap147058
Sir William of Young


 
 

FOLKing amazing; cover version of Public Enemy

by chrisglos @ Friday, 28. Apr, 2006 - 09:37:45

Folk Rap.

Sounds about as appealing as sex with Jabba the Hut doesnt it?

But who would have thought that a folkified cover version of a rap song could be so good. Its dope!

Check it out - Brent Runyans cover version of Public Enemys Bring The Noise

And if you want more - A 'Joan Baezesque' version of NWAs 'Straight Outta Compton' - by the ex-Veruca Salt lead singer. (or try this link)

Makes you wonder what other unfathomable versions could be done!!

(original links courtesy of BoingBoing)

Keep the fires burning - Silent Hills inspiration

by chrisglos @ Friday, 28. Apr, 2006 - 08:31:36

I was reading an article in the newspaper today. I prefix it with 'news' but thats out of habit more than anything else.

Apparently the inspiration for the town in the Silent Hill movie (not sure if it was the same for the game) came from a place called Centralia in Pennsylvania. That rhymes.

For 42 years a fire has been burning under it in the labyrinthine coal mines - and they cant put it out. Its destroyed pretty much all of the buildings, most of the 1100 residents have been evacuated, and there are only 10 hardcore elder members remaining.

Smoke and fumes billow from under the streets, smouldering away - trees, houses, petrola stations, churches all destroyed. Walking the streets, the hot smoke and fumes are everywhere giving it a ghostly eerie feel.

Ironically, the cemetries are undamaged.

Apparently the fire is estimated to burn under the streets and in the tunnels for a further 300 years! The Postal Service have even decomissioned the area code.

Like true survivors of any horror film, the remaining elderly residents are refusing to budge, adding to the ghostly aura and decrepit feel of the place.

Check it out here

Grammer Krisiss

by chrisglos @ Thursday, 27. Apr, 2006 - 14:24:53

...or 'kids dont, like, yeah, speak proper'

After watching Dispatches on Monday, and being trapped on the train listening to bad conversational speach, Ive been having sleepless nights fretting over the grammatical and communication skills of this generation.

If you were to ask any of them if they were 'well read' its odds on that the meaning would get lost in translation!

Inquisitor: Are you well read?
Grammatically challenged youth: "its cos i bin runnin, innit" etc

Yes, Im bored.

Survey for the bored 6: You know it isnt, yet you still check...

by chrisglos @ Thursday, 27. Apr, 2006 - 12:16:05

...continuing from Survey 3...

...Who else is stupid enough to hear a mobile phone ringing (going off, beeping, whatever you wish to call it) and immediately check their own?

Despite the fact its COMPLETELY different to your tone/song?

:wave: Guilty as (phone) charged.

This random survey was bought to you typing with one finger whilst simultaneously wrestling with a salad and sandwich.

There's a hole in my pocket (my pocket, my pocket)...

by chrisglos @ Wednesday, 26. Apr, 2006 - 19:01:26

...because Ive spent the dosh on tickets to Hi:Fi / Homelands!!!

Yay, we're going. Hard Fi - Wooo! Ian Brown - Sound! Kosheen! Super Furrys! And many many more.

First time Ive been on a full weekender and stayed over camping. Thoroughly looking forward to it.

Going from camp to camper. I wonder if the Asda smartprice tent Im buying will be up to the job? Ah sod it if not, likely to be off my face anyway!!

Anyone else going????

Wednesdays rubbish poetic analogy

by chrisglos @ Wednesday, 26. Apr, 2006 - 14:16:17

Ever say something?
And regret it came out of your mouth?

Ever feel a fool?
Like youve put your foot in your mouth?

Ever have a slip?
A few moments of self doubt?

Ever fall off the wagon?
And stupidly let it out?

It's like being on a diet
You succumb to the odd cream cake

And immediately after eating it
Realise it was a little mistake

But the key is to refocus
And remember why you should

Banish that momentary wobble
And stick to the diet that does you good

Survey for the bored 5: Snot a nice sight...

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 25. Apr, 2006 - 14:05:09

Oh the things we think of when we've got a few idle moments. Especially in the little boys room.

I wonder - does EVERY toilet cubicle have the same Jackson Pollock-esque collage stuck to the back of the door?

You sit down, get yourself comfortable, make sure no-one is around to hear...sorry too much detail...and look at the back of the cubicle door - dozens of dried up boogers clinging to it like bats in a cave.

One can only imagine the hours being spent perfecting the fling angle and velocity needed to stick them on the door.

Therefore, the survey today is:

Does every cubicle have bogey wallpaper on it?

And are the womens the same?

Hmmm...I wonder whos they are?

Will the grafitti artist please own up!

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 25. Apr, 2006 - 11:46:50

Yet more tagging is afoot.

I wonder if the person, or persons, who tagged me with 'boring' and 'full of sh!t' would like to own up and explain yourselves?

Hmmm? I dont mind, really I dont, would be interested to hear your sides of the story though!

tut - vandals.

[UPDATE: Im not far too sensitive either, cheeky little monkeys! :) Merely curious]

Seen in a shop window....

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 25. Apr, 2006 - 09:29:42

Walking to work this morning, I passed a newsagent with the obligatory neon coloured card adverts in the window.

One of them caught my eye, the bright orange background and big, bold, black letterheading:

"NEARLY NEW BABY AND TODDLER SALE"

Oh how I laughed.

Well, it was the last bit of joy Im sure to have until work ends!

Waxing lyrical...

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 25. Apr, 2006 - 08:37:05

Im trying to write a song.

I write lots of poetry and rhyme, so thought I would try and turn some of them into lyrics.

However, Ive been getting sidetracked and my brain is being an arse. It keeps getting distracted and finding it funny to think of toe-curlingly bad couplets rather than proper rhyme.

The spirit of a dodgy Eighties metal band is residing in my subconscious and jamming away and poisoning my artistic musings. Actually, just like Poison did to the airwaves*.

The first title I came up with for this short outpouring was 'Waxing lyrical...' Perhaps I need a syringing too.

(* For my sins, I actually liked Poison. "Eeeeeeevverry Rooooose has its thorrrrrnnnn...")

Im forever blowing bubbles...

by chrisglos @ Sunday, 23. Apr, 2006 - 22:25:10

Well,

I had to post it.

Theres nothing more to say other than - fanbloodytastic. West Ham. FA Cup Final. First season back in the Premiership.

And on St Georges Day too...

...of course, theres a likely dicking to come from Liverpool in the final, but still!

Well done boys.

Something for a Friday...and things ive learned this week

by chrisglos @ Friday, 21. Apr, 2006 - 13:37:12

There is an old proverb that reads:

Just because your pot noodle is cold, it doesnt mean there is no hot water in the kettle.

Yes...think about it.

So, where was I? Ah yes, glorious Friday. It would be so much better if at 5pm a bell went, and everybody grabbed their satchels and ran out the building to go play. Im going to lobby for it.

Heres whats been happening in my news this week:

- No matter how enticing and quaint the pub may look, if its called 'The Jolly Farmer' then Im staying well clear.

- I just used the word well. Twice now if you count the last sentence. Thats still 50 times less than the chavvy teenage girl did in the space of a ten minute conversation on the train the other day. It was well annoying.

- Following in the great tradition of other Christophers, discovery has been the name of the game this week. In self and in surroundings. Did you know that the road with Pet Smart on leads to the crossroads? Or that the college was actually closer than I thought? No of course you dont as you have no idea what Im talking about. Didnt see any ducks though which was disappointing.

- The man with the strangest hair in the world is back in town.

- Ive not seen an Otto Spunkmeyer lorry for a while. If youve ever seen one, Im sure you agree with me that its funny.

- The theatre have STILL not got back to me.

- I can make a squelchy 'wet whoopee cushion' sound on the left side of my mouth but not the right.

- For some bizarre reason, normal coffee takes twice as long as decaffinated does to dispense from the vending machine at work.

- Im really upset that I like the new LLCoolJ song. Its good old skool hip hop, but ITS GOT J-LO on it. I dont know how I can live with myself.

- I worked out the other day that Ive been accused of looking like at least 9 different people. Apparently Im a chameleon, so Im going to post the lookalikes.

- I have exactly 2 hours left at work. Hoorah.

- Please please please please let me win the lottery tomorrow. Thank you.

- Oh, and I really love this chair: bibliochaise

Top 5 TIPS of the week!!!

by chrisglos @ Friday, 21. Apr, 2006 - 11:57:49

Number 5:

docks11a

Number 4:

Tipping%20rock%20into%20the%20dry%20dock

Number 3:

Tipping

Number 2:

tipping

NUMBER 1:

pencil_tip@10x

...has to be the classic HB pencil tip at number one.

_________

Sorry, its Friday, cant help but be silly.
I'll stop now.

Survey for the bored 4: an anecdote, and Celebrity Fist Fights part 1

by chrisglos @ Thursday, 20. Apr, 2006 - 11:58:13

First, the anecdote which ties in with the survey:

A few years ago I was embroiled in some disciplinary action in my old job. The misdemeanour? A group of us were...gasp...emailing funnies to each other. Okay, admittedly, some of the perpetrators were being quite obscene.

One of the games was to put all of our Section Managers into imagined physical combat to the death - who would take who.

Although the thought of dismissal or discplinary issues was worrying, the funny thing was, that during one such hearing, at the end of it after issuing a stern warning to the party involved, the female Manager who was handing out the punishment finished with: "By the way, Id have taken her easy". Respect!

As far as mine went though, part of the conversation was directed towards the use of obscenities and disgusting content in peoples emails. Now naturally I had nothing to do with, it was another person who was the culprit. However, this ironic nugget then surfaced (and was recorded in the minutes) and I was praised for my response:

Manager: 'Id like to draw attention to this email you received from X, which contains language and detail way beyond anything acceptible. I wont repeat it but it is obscene and not something that people should be asking in a company email. For the record I would like to note that Chris did point this out to the individual and requested him to not use language like that...

[ Manager then reads out the response, so that the adjudicator can transcribe it for the records ]

my email response was: " X, say that to me again and Ill punch your f*cking lights out, you knob jockey"

Still makes me laugh that this was commended, is in print in my notes from the hearing, and was deemed to be 'sensible action on my part to request another does not abuse the system'.

Marvellous.

Survey for the bored 4: Celebrity Fist Fights part 1

Following on from the above, I wonder who would win in these imaginary contests:

- Lassie v The Littlest Hobo

- Graham Norton v Dale Winton

- Nelson Muntz v Cartman

- Steve Irwin v Ray Mears

- Jeremy Paxman v Trevor McDonald

- Charlotte Church v Kelly Osbourne

- StayPuft Marshmallow Man v The Bear in the Big Blue House

- Danny Zucko v The Fonz

- The Flumps v The Dozers from Fraggle Rock

My moneys on:
Littlest Hobo, Graham Norton, Nelson, Paxman, Osbourne, StayPuft, Zucko, The Dozers

Survey for the bored 3: Who else suffers from this?

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 18. Apr, 2006 - 19:26:46

Is anyone else afflicted by 'Mobile phone thigh' syndrome?

I appear to have developed a severe strain of it of late, and its getting worse.

The amount of times I feel the top of my thigh vibrating as if my phones going off....and when I reach into my pocket, well, by the beard of Zeus - it isnt! It was a phantom ring.

Whats even more disturbing is the amount of times it happens when my phones isnt even in my pocket!!!

Hmmm...and further scratchy chin type noises

England PLC

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 18. Apr, 2006 - 12:48:52

If I were elected; Oh if only...

Having read an article in the Sunday Times (ooooh, get me), had a stroll through a city centre high street and also noticed the lovely white voting postcards dropping through the door this last week, its got me thinking about the carbuncle that is England today.

The article I read was about the development of what is to be 'Britains biggest building - a giant supermarket warehouse acting as a larder for much of southern England. It is to be erected next to a Hampshire nature reserve.'

Now I pass this nature reserve every weekday - its a huge lake and woodland area in Fleet. The size of the proposed building equates to that of 17 football pitches. No doubt its construction, so say those against it as well, will result in the felling of many trees during construction, the destroying of wildlife habitats and also threaten the ecosystem of the adjacent pond.

In the name of what? Greedy profits for an already obscenely rich multi-national with octopus tentacles sucking up any new retail venture it sniffs money in. The reported company involved is Tesco.

I read this the day after I was strolling the once bustling city centre of Gloucester. It could have been any town centre though. 'For sale', 'Closing Down', 'Everything must go' and 'All items £1' scream the lurid posters and billboards littering what seem to now be every other shop front. The same sad sight adorns nearly all towns and high streets up and down the land.

And it only gets worse with more and more companies being bought under the arm of the sleazy uncle conglomorations. Acting like pimps and amassing a vast harem of smaller stores and companies. Blanded and branded under the uniform of their corporate robotmasters. It stands to reason then that if the parent company then gets taken over or goes into receivership, not one but many household names then disappear from the streets.

All I was missing walking down the street was a small cheroot, cowboy hat, some leather chaps and a weary old nag...with a tumbleweed blowing ominously down the street, its turbulent escape echoing the speed at which trade is being ripped out.

Its ugly, its depressing and ultimately debilitating for any community or economy. Further sign, if it were needed, of the perils these huge monsters cast over the country.

As an aside from that, it got me to thinking of the Bills and legislation I would impose were I ever in Mr Bleeuurghs positions:

- Do not allow any business within a town centre, shopping centre or high street to up sticks and move premises unless a new tenant is in place to take over the premises.

- Do not allow new-build sites anywhere within a rural community without first exhausting all possibilities of utilising derelict land.

- The same goes for any ramshackle, unoccupied premises within a town centre.

And I say b*ll*x to any arguments about cost involved to companies in building from scratch versus converting derelict sites.

There are bigger costs at stake - namely regaining the balance before in every town in every county we are faced with empty premises, bargain basement temporary shops, loss of local trade...and a choice of only 3 corporate shops or complexes.

I for one dont want to keep seeing what should be an affulent and beautiful country continue to be filled with empty buildings and car-boot style shopping streets. Nor needless warehouses and multiplexes swallowing up the countryside - not when we have rail networks, canals and roads already in place to be utilised first.

I know it may not be quite so economically simple, or quick to implement - but if someone in power decided to take a stance and risk being lambasted, then I believe we should stick to the above and recycle and renovate, rather than abandon and accumulate.

So good to be home...

by chrisglos @ Monday, 17. Apr, 2006 - 12:54:08

The language we use every day tells us a huge amount about ourselves. However, most things we say we generally dont analyse or think anything of.

Flippant comments, throwaway phrases, inoccuous words or sayings. We dont see most of our output as being particularly revealing or meaningful. Its just 'what we say'.

Having been very self-analytical recently, Ive realised that one phrase I use alot is very wrong. Normally, if Im going back to Gloucester for the weekend, Ill say, out of habit, 'Im going back home'.

This is not the case, and it struck me on the train back today that Ive been saying it on autopilot for months now, without truly thinking of what it embodies.

Well, I didnt go back home this weekend. I went to Gloucester, saw some very good friends and had a good time, of which more later...

...but here is home. It has been for a while.

And Im glad of it. Im extremely happy of why its my home.

And I couldnt be happier anywhere else.

Hooray, hooray its a holi-holiday....well, back home at least

by chrisglos @ Thursday, 13. Apr, 2006 - 13:36:40

As soon as Ive finished work today, I shall be unfortunately turning my back on blogland for 4 days.

Im off home - well, old home, town of birth etc - so will be sobbing all through the train journey at having been parted from my trusty pc.

Still, Ive got two good books for the train there and back
Loads of cds burned
And my notepad, pen and mind for some writing.
Oh, and perhaps a few drinks here and there.

Still...I get to have a bath for the first time in ages (yes i do wash, its just that i only have a shower here!) so will undoubtedly have several long girly soaks, pampers and cleansing nights. Lol.

Ahem.

Right, as a wise man once said -

It aint nothing but a muffin...and we got a lot of butter to go.

Toodle pips, tally ho, ciao, au revoir, see ya later boys and girls.

Proof there is no god...

by chrisglos @ Wednesday, 12. Apr, 2006 - 20:25:15

...Ive just eaten a delicious meal which was very sadly tainted by the torturous vocals of Jade Goody.

Hands up who else would like to skin her and dance around her entrails offering them to Beelezebub?

As if that wasnt bad enough, she was on Davina McCalls 'chat' show.

Hit me whilst Im down and steal my wallet why dont you?!!

Not only does it completely confound me how Jade Gobby is still a celebrity, but also how Davina is getting paid wheelbarrow loads of cash for that pile of tripe.

Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????

The world is so unfair.

I could draw a face on my arse and flatulate and still be more articulate and probing than her.

The world is littered with skilled, erudite and eloquent people just waiting for a chance like theirs. (Waves and winks!!!)

Sign up here for the hit squad...

Survey for the bored 2: A random thought

by chrisglos @ Wednesday, 12. Apr, 2006 - 18:57:09

This ones not quite as random as the cheese survey...

Does anyone else read text messages and emails whilst attempting to adopt the voice of the sender?

I do.

This random mental quirk was bought to you today by a very bored me.

Hmm...what shall I watch? Help me out! Guesses wanted

by chrisglos @ Wednesday, 12. Apr, 2006 - 17:06:18

Dating back to around October/November 2004 Ive amassed alot of dvds.

Either purchased, obtained free with magazines, 'aquired from dubious sources prior to official release' (ahem), downloaded etc.

Ive just had a quick count, and there are still approximately 80 that I havent watched yet!!! (Some of them Ive seen the film, but not actually watched my copy)

So the question is, what to watch next?

Lets try a telephathic exercise and see who can suggest one to watch - the only sticking point being Im not going to tell you any of the titles!

First person to guess a film Ive acquired but not watched yet wins, and I promise Ill watch it and review it! Sod it, its bank holiday weekend, lets go for a top 5

Inappropriate fish fondling...part 3! Videos too!

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 11. Apr, 2006 - 21:53:09

Ever seen Jaws? Good wasnt it?

Ever seen Jaws 3? Not so good.
___________________________

This newly unearthed film doesnt quite reach the standards of Jaws, but I think you will agree its far better than Jaws 3:

08042006(004)

And here are some real sharks:

08042006(008)

And here is the threatened Inappropriate fish fondling. Actually, its a stingray. A very friendly one. Did I tell you his name was Simon?:

08042006(009)

_____________________________

08042006(013)

Der-ner, der-ner....oh I cant be bothered with that again.

08042006

The incredible freaky see-through fish. Or looking more closely, that appears to be an x-ray: Large expanse of skull above the eyes, long hair...its not Bill Bailey is it?

Inappropriate fish fondling...or a day at the aquarium part 2

by chrisglos @ Tuesday, 11. Apr, 2006 - 19:30:54

...the shark picture at the end of part 1 scared me, so I had to down tools and walk away for a bit!!

I must take some time to talk about the Stingr