Ive been slightly distracted over the last few days, so Im a bit late handing in my homework.

10 Fictional Babes, no particular order:

1) Catwoman (Batman Returns version)
2) The Devil (Liz Hurley version from Bedazzled)
3) Trinity (from Matrix)
4) Selene (Underworld, Kate Beckinsale character)
5) Alex Munday (Charlies Angels, Lucy Lui, well one or two scenes lol)
6) Lois Griffin (Family Guy)
7) The dark haired one from the Oliver Cheatham 'I like to Party' music video (yes, shes a cartoon too. Whats wrong with me)
8) Queen Mab (Merlin, 1998 version, Miranda Richardson)
9) Alabama Whitman (True Romance, played by Patricia Arquette)
10) Dil (from the Crying Game....oh wait, hang on a minute...)

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Im sure Ill change them by the time Ive posted...

..I've just returned from a stroll through town - the usual mundane trek for groceries.

On this occasion, however, there was a nice deviation from the normal buskers, Big Issue sellers (sod off) and survey monkeys.

Huddled together around a bench were a group of what I assume were volunteers, due to their age. All of them were wearing an 'Alzheimers Society' jacket.

The irony? They were all head scratching and map pointing, looking for all the world as if they had no idea what was going on.

Joy. Made my day.

Or maybe not....

....All will be explained in due course!

...a bag of pickled wrens feet to the first person who can match the title to a bad 90s dance/acid record.

I'm diabetic. And can I just say, sometimes its a right pain in the arse. And finger. And thigh. And stomach.

I realise that compared to other conditions it may seem to pale into insignificance, but nonetheless, sometimes it can feel so debilitating (second time Ive used that word) and makes me feel such an invalid.

Not being able to just go anywhere or do anything without thinking 'do I need to take food', 'should I do an injection', 'oh no, Im feeling low, gotta eat'. And so on.

I do feel jealous of others who can just get up and go to work, or go anywhere, without having to first do an injection, eat the right amount of food, work out whether you need to take extra. For instance, just going for a walk round town. Because its 'exertion' and using up more energy than just sitting down, I can end up having to stop half way to get some lucozade or something. Its really difficult to just 'go with the flow' without having to check youre alright, or suddenly have a hypo and stop.

Recently, and today in particular, its been terrible. I had to switch insulin a few months ago and Ive not been right since. Im off work again today, and its really frustrating - worrying too that Ive had a fair few days off because of it.

Oh, I dont know, it can be so deflating at times. I mean, how sad is it that I get jealous of people because if they dont want to eat dinner at 12, they can miss it. Or if theyre not particularly hungry, can just have something else. Or the worse one - knowing that no matter how little or much they eat, their body will just level out the blood sugars and sort everything out. If I have one digestive too many at night, Im awake all through it pissing like a racehorse.

I just envy not being able to get up and go. If the mood took - to just go for a swim or long walk or stay out from afternoon through to evening. Without having to think, 'no, I have to get back first to eat, need some tea, cant go straight out' etc.

So Im off work again today, feeling slightly annoyed, very high (not in a drug sense) and very peed off that the doctors and diabetic clinic seem to be as elusive as the scarlet pimpernel.

Id just like to be normal.

Without even realising it, I seem to have had a 7 day hiatus from the sanctuary I call my blog.

Thats a week. Which is another coincidence, as thats what I am at the moment...weak.

The grind of having to work to pay the bills, when its the last place I want to be. Its not that I dont like work per se, its just this work.

Actually, can we backtrack a minute - [makes weird swirly 'travelling back in time' noises] - I should have wrapped some inverted commas around the word work. Because it isnt. Its getting up at the crack of dawn each morning, to travel 50 minutes plus by train, into the armpit of hell. Then spend 7 further hours of my day doing nothing. Now some people may be scratching their heads now thinking, whats the problem? You get paid well for doing nothing? Its every workers dream surely. Alas, no, its debilitating. Demeaning. Destructive. Destructive to my creativity for one thing. Sucks out the will to...see, I cant think of the words to finish that sentence.

Im hoping a few little avenues will work out, and I can get away from here (relatively) unscarred. I dont want much - just something that pays enough to cover the rent, food, bills, debts, and leaves a meagre amount for fun stuff. But something that will engage me more.

I ended last year describing myself as an aspiring writer. Sometimes even being so bold as to just say writer. Recently though, the fog of being so downtrodden and unhappy with work has strangled most of the spark that was lurking. I feel like dropping the phrase 'aspiring writer' and changing it to 'despairing Im not a writer' and finally just 'despairing'. Oh, I have peaks and troughs, but far too many troughs. Like a virtual version of Snakes and Ladders, except someone forgot to paint any ladders on the board. But I want to be 'aspiring' again. I wonder, do they make 'writing steroids'?

The house situation isnt good either - having spent all the time getting settled in to it, making it home - I may have to pack my bags.

Its not all bad - Ive managed to get a bit of head way on my song, and also got down the basis for a childrens story. But it just always seems to be out of reach. I know that a bad workman always blames his tools, but even so, it doesnt help. The bottom of the barrel is being scraped even now, resorting to a cliche like that!

Maybe its the weather.
Maybe its that Monday feeling.
Maybe its because I had a few days at home last week.

Not the most inspiring piece to return with, but thats all Ive got today!

And so Monday rolls around once more, me facing it with as much enthusiasm as Tony Blair.

The weather seems to be coming out in sympathy, the dark clouds drawing themselves across the sky as soon as the weekend closes, as if they were curtains being drawn to signify the end of a performance. "Thats yer lot"

So, weary, tired and still suffering cheese-induced sleep hallucinations, the working week soon extinguishes the happiness of the weekend.

The weekend is like a comfy pair of trainers - slip them on and theres an instant contentedness; no pain, just a nice fit.

The week is like a new pair of shoes - Monday is the first wear; ill-fitting, stiff and uncomfortable; slightly more bearable as you get a few days under your belt, but always with that nagging feeling that youd rather not be wearing them; like when youre a kid and have to put your best outfit on to go to a family get-together.

When you finally get to take them off and slip back into your trainers, it feels like nirvana. So when Monday rolls round again, that instant unease takes over, and you just want to shout in a sulky tantrum "...aw mum, s'not fair, i dont wanna wear em".
_______

The cheese count was phenomenal this weekend. 8 different varieties, plus 3 cracker variants, red and green grapes, and a bottle of Red, naturally.
As mentioned before, the French Market was in town, and so it was only rude not extend the hand of friendship and sample some fromage francais. 4 for a fiver too, what a bargain. Stinks mind you, and Im not sure the Camembert wouldnt have slid out the fridge and attempted to find its way back home if it hadnt been wrapped up. It does become a matter of pride after a while though - "must....try...one...more..." - but you just cant help yourself. I think Sundays were meant to end with that, the filling fulfilling end to a filling weekend.
It was a very content feeling Sunday. Early to rise, followed by a breakfast so good and healthy its like sunshine in a bowl. Invigorating shower. The suns trying its hardest still, but no matter. Even when it doesnt quite successfully grapple with the clouds, the setting is just too nice to put a dampener on things. A leisurely stroll through the quaint quiet streets, sighs of wistful wishfulness dreaming of owning one of the many stunning houses. A visit to a little local food emporium. Roaming the castle ruins.
Parking my paleness on the lush green grass. Sunday papers, so big that opening them up threatens to take up all the empty space.

And all done with the most ideal of company.
________________________

I would just like to finish with a snippet of a conversation from Saturday evening.

C: Im just going to clean the plates, wont be long.

J: Youre going to get a Crab Pallette?

C: Err...

There were others. I think another one yesterday morning was:

C: Honestly, does this look ok? (referring to my clothes)

J: What? Do you have an olive in your eye?

C: {Speechless}.

Further to my post and observation on Thursday things appear to be getting worse.

Ive just counted the same blatant spamming/advertising post 22 times in 15 minutes!

Im tempted to try and rally the troops and fight back...a revolution from blogland. But Im far too lazy and timid for that.

Pain in the back? Pain in the arse...

Ive just started reading a novel called 'Coincidence'. Which is about many things, the obvious one being the C word, and its lesser known other description of 'Synchronicity'.

Coincidentally, the book is written by a chap called David Ambrose. The other week I lent my girlfriend (Hi honey x!) a book called 'The Man who turned into himself'. It was by David Ambrose. Very good by the way. Oh, and I gave it to her as she is writing a very good book (yes it is) for which I thought this one might be useful as it had 'similar' themes.

And incidentally, there were all sorts of coindidences afoot which conspired in us meeting. Me taking a spur of the moment decision to work on a project for 9 months on the other side of the country; having to book into a different hotel for one week only as the usual wasnt free; said hotel, being where she worked; etc, etc. Full story is not for now!

Coincidentally, the day after I dropped off the book, the first book I saw when I took my regular visit to the Charrridddeeeeee shop was......Coincidence, by David Ambrose (by the way, the only book of his I knew was the aforementioned one I own).
It was was £1.50.
Coincidentally what I had in pocket. But I coulnt buy it as Im a greedy pig and Greggs was calling.

A few days after that, we were walking by some offices on the road I live, with me commenting 'how good would that be if I could get a job there in my particular field' (Its not always the easiest job position to find offered, especially in the town I live)

Opened up my job email/messages the next day?
Coincidentally - a position had just that day been advertised for that very same role, in that very same company.

Yesterday, went to the library to take some books back, had a look at the novels and found the 'Coincidence' book. So I got it.

Started reading it yesterday afternoon/early evening.

Coincidentally, on the first page, a phrase was used to describe something. 'Mutually exclusive'. Not an overly common phrase. But I had used it myself not two hours prior to that.

(Now Im not embarking on any grand theory here about synchronicity, and the questions of whether coincidence happens because we are more primed for it once weve thought about it, or whether its more complicated than that. For instance, its easy for something to happen then bring to mind a previous occurrence or similarity. Conversely, its not so easy to blame recollection on reading/seeing something then a coincidental event happening afterwards. Thats for another time - preferably drink or drug induced .)

It just struck me as ironic about the coincidence of finding a book called coincidence amidst so many coincidences.

One last thing -

Its NO coincidence that I chose to spend 15 minutes typing this piece about coincidence, instead of getting on with filling out an application form I should be doing. Lol.

Thats procrastination. And being a lazy arse.

Holy goats Cheese - theres Davros...or "A picturesque cathedral green, French Market and an un-PC comment"

England dear England:

Cathedrals.
Greenery.
Pale skin.
Proud moustaches, Blazers and pullovers in the midday sun.

What a lovely morning Ive had on my day off work. Up with the lark, shower, healthy breakfast, summer t-shirt and out the door by 8 30. With my 'Im not really trying to sell you Krishna books' bag over my shoulder, a flask of coffee, and some wobbly whistling, off I trekked down the slopy high street.

Walking through the little alley towards the grassy knoll outside the cathedral, faint sounds were being carried in the warm summer breeze. Was that 'Mon dieu, c'est magnifique' I could hear? And 'zis ees good, how you say, cheese, non?'

The French farmers market had invaded.

Why were they doing this to me. Id already had my breakfast, the last thing I needed was the aroma of 768 different kinds of cheeses, pates, sausages and coffee caressing my nasal passages. It was like a culinary red light district - all of the cheeses, scantily clad on the sidewalks, displaying their prices. The camembert, saucily peeling off its clothes to give me a tantalising glimpse of its nakedness underneath.

I hurried my pace and parked my derriere on the grass, eyes averted. There I sat, reading my notes, scribbling some more, smoking my gaulloises, sipping my coffee. And being incredibly British with my thermos flask and white skin.

As I sat there, mulling over ideas in my head, and gazing around, it struck me that it was an incredibly odd scene. Almost medieval in a sense. The cathedral grounds were bordered by brick walls, railings and stalls, lending a castle feel to the area. With all of the pensioners and unemployed people strolling around inside, like the peasants and fair maidens, with the French market stalls offering their simple produce. There was a severe lack of merde though to give it a truly authentic medieval smell. Lots of dogs though. Thankfully being walked, not offered up on a spit.

As if this mixture didnt look bizarre enough in a Monty Python-esque Holy Grail kind of way, amidst all of this quaintness of olde Englishness and marche francais, a buzzing could be heard. The unmistakable sound of an electric powered chair, rolling over a gravelly track. As the crowds parted, milling around the edges of the stalls, a Stavros* like vision came hurtling, sorry, gently meandering, along the pathway.

I half expected gasps of 'its the work of the devil, 'tis witchcraft i tell thee' to be shouted, followed by the hurtling of blocks of brie.

Such was the dreaminess of being in the sun and feeling like Id been transported back several hundred years to a gorgeous, green oasis of calm, in historic quaint rural times.

(* I did warn in the heading that this is a touch un-PC, but it is without malice)

Want to lose 5 stone, whilst earning £250k, learning IT and holistic medicines, finding a cure for migraines, never having to work again, or unlock the secret to sustained hair growth?! NO - SOD OFF!

How many blogs are being set up recently which are just lame adverts for commercial internet sites?

Over the last few weeks Ive clocked dozens of posts with the same (or similar) titles, all from different blog names, with one thing in common - links, links, links. To sites offering services or wanting you to buy their products.

Go away. Its the equivelant of blog spam.

Mmm spam. Im hungry now.

The original purpose of this site was to vent and rhyme - little articles and rants, poems etc - but looking back over my posts, Ive been somewhat sidetracked with stupidity. Sometimes for the best in hindsight

It seems fashionable in cinema and fashion to revisit the past at the moment. So with that in mind, and Spring in full swing, what better occasion to re-examine what I started out to achieve, and hopefully get back to doing properly soon.

Collected 'Works'

Rants and Articles Dec 05 - Apr 06:

- Havent I seen you somewhere before?

- Shoppers Curfew

- Compensation Culture

- Fuming

- Trials and tribulations of the single thirtysomething male

- Blowing smoke rings

- Do you take plastic?

- Would you like fries with that?

- Are you one of these people?

- England PLC

Poems Dec 05 - Apr - O6

Impotent; a poem in progress

A poem, a hope

A poetic analogy
_________________

Something for a Wednesday...Part 2

Theres nothing like a sunny, warm Bank Holiday weekend is there? Ah...see, you thought I was going for the easy 'and that was nothing like one' gag there didnt you? Go on, admit it.

Wasnt though was it?

It was as hit and miss as a narcoleptic boxer. Actually to be fair, it was very nice in places. And what the weather didnt deliver on, the time spent made up for it.

Without further ado, some more things I didnt put in part 1:

- Friday night, we went for a lovely meal at a Chinese restaurant. Vegetarian set menu, bottle of Tiger, bottle of wine. Mmmm and mmmm. It was gorgeous. The main course was 'Mock Duck'. Yes, I thought they should have named it better too. But, it was absolutely stunning. And the sauce...oooh heaven. Anyway, yes, it was a very nice evening.

- Lots of walks. There are nature reserves hidden all over Winchester it seems. Investigated a new one on Sunday. Which was nice. Even saw some deer. Theres not much that beats going for a walk near the river, or sitting on a bench by it, taking in the views and breathing in the air. Roll on the next one.

- Want to write things in 'Biscuit text'? Who doesnt! Go here and play to your hearts content. Crumb free too.

- Did you know Audrey Hepburn was actually a Belgian? No, neither did I.

Right, Im off to do some work, then burn a Summer cd. Sad arent I.

Adios.

Something for a Wednesday...Part 1

Wednesday. The top of the mountain. Mid-point to the week where the hard slog is close to over and its downhill for the rest of the time. With a little incline again on Thursday afternoon. Even better when its a bank holiday week - Monday was the equivelant of being carried on Yaks for the day before having to trek up the mountain on your own.

Sorry, went off on one a bit there.

What have I learned and done this week? Well Ill tell you shall I?

- My fingers seem to attract invites to be cut to shreds all the time. I think my index and little fingers are the appendage equivelant of hardcore nutters. "Come on, knife me then if youve got the bottle". They never learn. Twice this week its happened - and thats on top of burning off my fingerprint a few weeks ago. I still cant believe I managed to serate the edge of my finger to near dropping of point with....a reed. Okay, I exaggerate. But it hurt.

- PlayDoh celebrates its 50th birthday today (if what I read is to be believed)

- The Badgers won some sweets for being clever.

- And apparently Mexico had the largest gross national debt of any country in 1992.

- James Brown is 72 today. And still looks like my late nan. Except she wasnt black. Or male. Nor got done for pistol brandishing. Not to my knowledge anyway. There was that incident once when she asked those youths to stop kicking the ball in her garden.

- We've got a tent and its fab!

- Hi:Fi is 4 weeks away!

Time for dinner. More to follow in our afternoon bulletin including:

Mock Duck ~ better than it sounds
Nature ~ isnt it fab!
The secret to eternal youth ~ not really.

really shouldnt be giving this site free publicity, I think they do enough damage as it is!

But thanks to Empire magazine, Ive been alerted to it - so think you should be too.

The Childcare Action Project Movie Ministry

Do you see what they did at the end there? Clever.

Sample quote from the home page: "PLEASE! If this ministry fails, it will not be Jesus' will. It will be because of the unwillingness of the thousands upon thousands of people who use it to help with the expenses. This "free lunch" cannot be free much longer."

They score the film out of 100 and rate it across several categories including:

Impudence/Hate
Offense to God
Sexual Immorality

and many many more! A perfect score is obviously 100 (surely it should be 3 for the holy trinity??)

In my mind, a thoroughly reprehensible idea, but make your own minds up. Some films arent even given a rating because the reviewer did not sit through it to pass judgement. Idiots.

http://www.capalert.com/

I had an unexpected phone call yesterday offering me an opportunity which I thought had passed. However, lady luck being what she is, timing is everything. So, unfortunately, Im going to have to give it a miss. Boo hoo.

The reason? Bloody banks and other financial institutions. I had a direct debit requested from my account a few days before I got paid - which I had no idea when it was due as the dozy pleb at the company failed to comprehend how to work their systems. He stated that he couldnt say when the direct debit collections were due to start as their system wouldnt tell him, but if I spoke to my bank they could. Patiently - at first anyway - I tried to explain that, no, they couldnt, as YOU were the company SENDING the request to my bank, so they had no say in it nor knowledge until the details were set up. He continued to try and back up his incorrect argument, despite me unconvincingly telling him Id worked for an organisation like theirs before and knew everything there was to know about setting up direct debit mandates.

Anyway, that was a while ago, and the other week the request came through - with no confirmation of a date or amount. So having not yet been paid or transferred funds across I was blindsided and it didnt collect.

Now the bank, being the lovely money grabbing sharks they are, charged me £39 for the unpaid direct debit. Despite the fact the debit itself was for less than that. Gits. All because some gonk at the other company was so brain dead he couldnt work out how to read his screen.

Oh, just in case anybody wants to know, the bank is Halifax (always had problems with them!) and the other company is NTL (who also arranged an installation date with me then failed to turn up for 3 weeks!).

And just to rub salt into the wounds - I sent off a request for cashback from my mobile phone company about 3 weeks ago. It took them 10 days to send me a text back stating theyd received my request. Great. And they would deal with it in the next 30 days. So a first class letter reaches them within 2 days, and it then takes them a further 8 days to log and start administering my request. Then up to a further 30 to say 'yep', generate a cheque, and send it out. Oh, that was Carphone Warehouse.

Oh, nearly forgot. I also telephoned T-Mobile the other week to cancel my old contract with them. When I say telephoned, I should mention that it took me half a day to find out a contact number for them that I could dial from a landline. Youd think being a mobile phone telecommunications company theyd be a bit more savvy about having contact details wouldnt you?!!!

Still, its not all bad. Although lady luck was a bit late with the timing of yesterdays phone call, Id rather save the money and be able to have a damn good time at the Hi:Fi festival instead. Wouldnt miss that for anything!!

Happy Monday.