Without even realising it, I seem to have had a 7 day hiatus from the sanctuary I call my blog.
Thats a week. Which is another coincidence, as thats what I am at the moment...weak.
The grind of having to work to pay the bills, when its the last place I want to be. Its not that I dont like work per se, its just this work.
Actually, can we backtrack a minute - [makes weird swirly 'travelling back in time' noises] - I should have wrapped some inverted commas around the word work. Because it isnt. Its getting up at the crack of dawn each morning, to travel 50 minutes plus by train, into the armpit of hell. Then spend 7 further hours of my day doing nothing. Now some people may be scratching their heads now thinking, whats the problem? You get paid well for doing nothing? Its every workers dream surely. Alas, no, its debilitating. Demeaning. Destructive. Destructive to my creativity for one thing. Sucks out the will to...see, I cant think of the words to finish that sentence.
Im hoping a few little avenues will work out, and I can get away from here (relatively) unscarred. I dont want much - just something that pays enough to cover the rent, food, bills, debts, and leaves a meagre amount for fun stuff. But something that will engage me more.
I ended last year describing myself as an aspiring writer. Sometimes even being so bold as to just say writer. Recently though, the fog of being so downtrodden and unhappy with work has strangled most of the spark that was lurking. I feel like dropping the phrase 'aspiring writer' and changing it to 'despairing Im not a writer' and finally just 'despairing'. Oh, I have peaks and troughs, but far too many troughs. Like a virtual version of Snakes and Ladders, except someone forgot to paint any ladders on the board. But I want to be 'aspiring' again. I wonder, do they make 'writing steroids'?
The house situation isnt good either - having spent all the time getting settled in to it, making it home - I may have to pack my bags.
Its not all bad - Ive managed to get a bit of head way on my song, and also got down the basis for a childrens story. But it just always seems to be out of reach. I know that a bad workman always blames his tools, but even so, it doesnt help. The bottom of the barrel is being scraped even now, resorting to a cliche like that!
Maybe its the weather.
Maybe its that Monday feeling.
Maybe its because I had a few days at home last week.
Not the most inspiring piece to return with, but thats all Ive got today!