Damn, i had to get dressed after all...

Tuesday was bliss...there i was, singing along to Otis Redding but with my own take on the lyrics:
"sitting in my pants all day,
Working from home wey-hey-hey,
Ooo, I'm just sittin' in my pants all day,
Workin' fine"

And so it was to be today, but me, being me, and being me meaning far too compliant and giving, I foolishly offered to come in to the office 'just in case'.

Theres a lesson in that.
Which is - I'm a stupid cock.

Each Friday I urge you to click the links below which will help others at NO cost to you. The effect this has can be enormous the more of us do it.

- If just 30 people read my post today and click on the links, then we can provide a huge amount of help.

- If each one of you then passes these details on to 5 others, then think how much more we can do. All for no more effort than a quick email and a quick click.

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"why not take 1 minute to click each of the following links and by clicking on the coloured tab you can ensure that foodstuffs, books, or care is donated to each of the groups. The sponsors redirect their advertising costs to pay for the donations instead….And it costs nothing to you":

The Hunger Site
For each person who clicks the hunger site, 1.1 cups of staple food stuffs will be donated. Yesterday, 212,564 were generated.

The Breast Cancer Site
For each person who clicks, funding will be given for free mammograms. Yesterday, 8.5 women benefited where they would not otherwise have done.

The Child Health Site
For each person who clicks, vital health supplies and services will be provided for children in need. Yesterday, 2,444 kids benefited from this.

The Literacy Site
For each person who clicks, underpriviledged children in developing countries will benefit from the chance to improve their literacy. Yesterday, 1,331 books were provided.

The Rainforest Site
For each person who clicks, 11.4 square feet of Rain Forest can be preserved and saved. Yesterday, 1,614,160 square feet worth of Forest preservation was funded.

The Animal Rescue Site
For each person who clicks, 0.6 bowls of food plus care will be provided for animals in care. Yesterday, 229,737 bowls of food were provided.

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It would be really great as well, if you could link this post in your 'bloglists' to get others to do their bit, and leave a comment to say ‘Ive been a good boy or girl’.

Thanks

Teetering over the (L) edge (r)...or was he just being a joke (r)

I, along with many others, have been slightly taken aback by the sad news of Mr Heath Ledgers untimely demise.

Of course, there will always be the Telegraph readers out there whos response was most likely along the lines of 'young people' 'today' 'bloody film stars' 'drugs' 'national service' and so on.

However, as I was sitting watching the news last night and the story broke, after my initial thoughts of 'oh my god' I put it to one side as one does, and carried on watching the rest of the summary of the days events around the world. But something stuck, and after my subconscious had assembled an impromptu board meeting inviting all of my buried memories and thoughts, it politely typed up the notes, messengered them by courier, and there they were being delivered to my frontal lobe...

Did he really mean it? And more precisely, I wondered, how many suicides / overdoses are a result of accidentally going too far?

It's a difficult topic to address - I know I've been there before and wouldn't presume to think I won't again. And obviously by its very nature, it's a very fine line to draw yourself back from.

I won't go in to detail, but in dark times I've had where the thought occurs, it literally could be a matter of milli-seconds gap before going too far. One step too far, one drink too many, one drop...

Recall those times when you've tripped, or fallen...theres a split seconds recognition in your brain where you realise what's happening but it's too late to stop it. Or perhaps when you were a kid, and I'm sure this has happened to everyone, where one of your friends has pretended to push you and jolted you. That immediate fear and panic that fires through you, before realising it's not real.
Is that what it's like? At the last moment you realise the full implications of your decision, but are powerless to stop it. If there is a heaven or hell (or more likely something even more banal such as a celestial equivelant of a Holiday Inn)...imagine leaving this mortal coil and finding yourself there, in a kind of purgatory along with other lost souls.

Of course, I realise it was a supposed overdose, and these things can consume for months, even years...but it's that last point I'm (morbidly) interested in. Or was there no last minute 'life flashing before him' and pure conviction in the extent of his desperation and need to finally gain peace.

I don't know, nobody will ever know...I've never been that close, hopefully never will, but surely everyone must have at least wondered, even if in just passing curiosity, how 'easy' it could be to be here one minute, and gone the next.

I know how easy it is to be in that position where one shift in determination either way could make the difference.

Many people are undoubtedly tortured so much that there really is no conflict of thought, no inner torment, and have full conviction...I speak from a position where I empathise and understand fully.

But also imagine how many people who might have gone this way may have at the very last moment wished they hadn't.

Ledger, Cobain, Monroe (although the conspiracy theorists may have another take on this) and countless others...then theres the likes of Doherty, Winehouse, Houston et al who havent. And that's not even touching on the everyday folk who face this torment.

Again, I wonder, which of those who have succumbed may have had that last moments realisation but were too late to stop...

A bit green at trying to be a bit green...

So much for being Captain Planet. At this point in time, I barely make the rank of Captain. More like a lowly sailor...as those who know me will testify judging by my sometimes 'dodgily camp' mannerisms...

I think I'm going to have to take the Captain Planet suit back to the tailors for some alterations, its not been fitting right. Or to put it another way, 'I've been a bad boy and I need to be spanked'. It's not been deliberate or anything, I haven't been driving from the bedroom to the kitchen in a humvee, turning the heating on to full, then leaving the freezer open because it's now too hot. But what with one thing and another (i.e. being a lazy git) I've fallen into bad green habits. One might even go as far to say that they are now a slightly more muddy brown habit, with the odd bit of foliage popping through here and there.

I began to suspect something was up when I saw the candlelight vigil outside my house, attended by all of the local urban wildlife and soap-dodgers. 'Oh Captain P', they chanted, 'you've fallen from the tree...why? why, god damn you....say it isn't so'
I couldnt argue as they presented the evidence of my crimes in the form of newspapers and plastic bottles carelessly discarded amongst the 'normal rubbish'. Needless to say I broke down quicker than an ecologically sound bio-degradable container. How could I not. 'Oh it's true, it's all true', I blubbed. 'Forgive me, please, forgive me. I slipped. It was christmas. I've been drunk. I've been introspecting and forgetting the bigger picture. Yes, I know introspecting isn't a real word, forgive me for that too...'

And so with my apology winding it's way through the tree tops, I shamefully closed my window, re-sorted through my rubbish, and put my head down on the pillow vowing to collect my newly re-tailored Captain Planet suit first thing the following morning...

Well, it certainly hums...

There are two main definitions of 'hum' - the tuneful noise one makes when listening to a catchy and enjoyable song, or a distasteful stink caused by something quite awful.

I've quite possibly managed to create both at the same time. For you see, I have finally finished my song. I say finished, but its more like 'nearly finished'. And by 'nearly finished' I mean 'I've eventually managed to add a bit more to it'. And by 'I've eventually managed to add a bit more to it' I mean...okay, so you get the picture. But it's more or less finished, bar the odd tinkering and tidy up, and perhaps another verse and bridge.

I don't think Ivor Novello is going to be asking to die all over again, but nor do I think its *that* bad. Sure, it's a bit 'playschool' and quite probably more sick inducing than an hour listening to George Bush being sincere...but it could be catchy I tells ya.

Then again, the same applies to Thrush...

Fuck me, I've been AWOL for a long time.
It's been a long, arduous, draining search for my soul. Alas, it's yet to be completed, but I suppose I should return to the fold still whilst I'm looking...

...might as well start typing some crap again in the interim.