Teetering over the (L) edge (r)...or was he just being a joke (r)

I, along with many others, have been slightly taken aback by the sad news of Mr Heath Ledgers untimely demise.

Of course, there will always be the Telegraph readers out there whos response was most likely along the lines of 'young people' 'today' 'bloody film stars' 'drugs' 'national service' and so on.

However, as I was sitting watching the news last night and the story broke, after my initial thoughts of 'oh my god' I put it to one side as one does, and carried on watching the rest of the summary of the days events around the world. But something stuck, and after my subconscious had assembled an impromptu board meeting inviting all of my buried memories and thoughts, it politely typed up the notes, messengered them by courier, and there they were being delivered to my frontal lobe...

Did he really mean it? And more precisely, I wondered, how many suicides / overdoses are a result of accidentally going too far?

It's a difficult topic to address - I know I've been there before and wouldn't presume to think I won't again. And obviously by its very nature, it's a very fine line to draw yourself back from.

I won't go in to detail, but in dark times I've had where the thought occurs, it literally could be a matter of milli-seconds gap before going too far. One step too far, one drink too many, one drop...

Recall those times when you've tripped, or fallen...theres a split seconds recognition in your brain where you realise what's happening but it's too late to stop it. Or perhaps when you were a kid, and I'm sure this has happened to everyone, where one of your friends has pretended to push you and jolted you. That immediate fear and panic that fires through you, before realising it's not real.
Is that what it's like? At the last moment you realise the full implications of your decision, but are powerless to stop it. If there is a heaven or hell (or more likely something even more banal such as a celestial equivelant of a Holiday Inn)...imagine leaving this mortal coil and finding yourself there, in a kind of purgatory along with other lost souls.

Of course, I realise it was a supposed overdose, and these things can consume for months, even years...but it's that last point I'm (morbidly) interested in. Or was there no last minute 'life flashing before him' and pure conviction in the extent of his desperation and need to finally gain peace.

I don't know, nobody will ever know...I've never been that close, hopefully never will, but surely everyone must have at least wondered, even if in just passing curiosity, how 'easy' it could be to be here one minute, and gone the next.

I know how easy it is to be in that position where one shift in determination either way could make the difference.

Many people are undoubtedly tortured so much that there really is no conflict of thought, no inner torment, and have full conviction...I speak from a position where I empathise and understand fully.

But also imagine how many people who might have gone this way may have at the very last moment wished they hadn't.

Ledger, Cobain, Monroe (although the conspiracy theorists may have another take on this) and countless others...then theres the likes of Doherty, Winehouse, Houston et al who havent. And that's not even touching on the everyday folk who face this torment.

Again, I wonder, which of those who have succumbed may have had that last moments realisation but were too late to stop...